Underestimated and Aggressive.

My parents always told me I'd mount to nothing playing video games...
I said Fuck that, I'm going through with this and committed.
My first art teacher told me I couldn't even draw properly in front of the entire class.
I cried. Then viciously drew night after night to get out as top of the class.
Artists make no money they kept telling me.
Pushed for more and more aggressive finance negotiations risking the jobs that were offered.

My mentor tore me into pieces trying to make me into a professional modeler.
The harsh criticisms and the mental beat downs I bared as a student was something I needed to wake the fuck up and smell reality. I broke down one night because I passed by a bar and saw all the students my age was partying. Crying my eyes out like a wimp while being on the phone with my dad was not what I intended to do. It was pathetic... but much weight was relieved.
My biggest fear was failing my dad. My dad who sat making teeth, day and night, trying to get me through art school. This made me go after success viciously, and people who bashed me, fueled it.

Aggressiveness was necessary to survive the events that was given to me.
It was a requirement to compete with other students.
After it all, you become this... cold... aggressive person. You start seeing people mistakes and give harsh criticisms people aren't used to. You see people slacking off and you do the same thing that was done to you in the past... shut them down negatively in hopes of them getting back up. And I now realize, I'm in my own little island of success with no one to support it.

I made it now. I'm in the industry and am a lucky son of a bitch to be here.
Reaching my dream of working the cg industry should calm me down a bit right? No...
I want more. There's so much more to gain now that I'm here... so naturally I push for things aggressively.
Even with people. But I'm realizing for the first time that this isn't the little pond of students anymore.
You're in this huge eco-system of other professionals that made it here with their own journey.
The higher level of success is the company and the product, not you. To make this happen, you and your co-workers have to work together to reach success that you all want to achieve. There's no "I" in employment. It's all about the product you create and you make that product a success, which will empower your career farther than you can imagine. So being this aggressive and harsh person, you feel so out of place... and sometimes neglected... which makes you feel underestimated, which fuels your aggressiveness...

This has to change and I'm changing it. My co-worker told me, "It's not what you say, it's how you say it" and he's right. I'm a complete team player. I'd rather give all my ideas to my company instead of trying to reach my own success by doing it alone. I want to help it push towards a huge success and have been trying to. But... this aggressiveness I have is blocking me from having people see it my way. And that is my biggest challenge... but as always, I will improve and conquer this road block.

Upgrade

I've been thinking. After being "wild and crazy" for awhile, it's time to grow up.

It's time to stop trying to be young and wild. Mentally and physically.

Which means, it's time to upgrade myself, and become a proper mature bachelor.

Alright alright they get it Daniel!

Mental improvements:

-Patience. I'm one of those people that do things by impulse. Sure it's fun but sometimes I make dumb decisions. It's getting a lot better though. Learning to chill out and take it slow. Learning patience takes patience. HAR HAR HAR... yuk.

-3 DRINKS MAXIMUM. Spending $200-$400 a night when I go out is starting to become... old...and dumb. I do have a great time but it's just for those few moments... doing that every weekend, kinda pointless.

*Update (4/1/2013): A girl I was dating helped me get this in control... now that I'm no longer dating her, I have to keep it that way. Lol.

-Motivation. This goes for improving my career and physical strength.

Materialistic things:

-New Car.  Perhaps a Z4... my sister is taking my current one.

*Update (12/27/2012): Got the exact car I wanted and more! BMW Z4, Check!

-New Wardrobe. Enough with the young look. Going for the old.

*Update (4/1/2013): Okay... the car thing hit me hard lol. But I'm finally getting back my finances so I should be able to go get some new clothes soon!

-New Phone. Galaxy Note 2
*Update (11/29/2012): Got it today. Beautiful device.

-New Glasses. For vision and another for sun.

*Update (4/1/2013): Sunglasses check

Physical improvements:

-Body. Become strong physically / 6 pack / active. This is going great already.

*Update (12/3/2012): Evolve with resilience...
     This isn't just about physical pain anymore... it's gotten to me mentally.
The diet, discipline, and constantly forcing myself to hit the gym... this is getting rough.
Don't give up, don't give up, is what I tell myself. Only thing that keeps me motivated is fear.
The fear of losing. I hate losing and refuse to lose.

-Facial Skin. Maybe it's the age? Skin's been reacting badly lately. Reaching out for professional help VERY soon.

-Teeth. I gotta take out these damn wisdom teeth. 

-Hair Style. This is almost there.

*Update (4/1/2013): This was in January but got the  more older look.

That's a bit of an upgrade there. =)

I'll be crossing these out as I reach the goal one by one. Baby steps!

Things are already improving as I write this.

Been hitting the gym two times a day lately. Morning and after work. It feels great! I just need to balance out the resting periods so I don't over train myself.

Eating healthier. I do occasionally get fast food here and there but most of the time it's lots of vegies and healthy meat.

You know... this entry is boring as hell. Why are positive things so damn boring to write/read? lol...

Anyways... I intend to get all these things done within 5 months.

Changes, changes, changes...

Guess I update this thing way too little. Not that anyone cares lol. Think I'll keep updating though, so I can look back at this and laugh in the future.

I think I'm addicted to changes... or advancing in life. It's just never enough... maybe that's just with everyone? My entire life I've been moving around a lot. It's really a lonely road. You make amazing friends, than you have to move. You try to keep in contact, but it's hard when you do it every 2 years. Old friends become old old friends, then old old old friends, etc. New location means, having to be out going and networking. A friend has been trying to help me do that for me, but ugh... I think I'm worn out from all my previous years. I don't have that drive to go meet and greet as much as I did before. Maybe it's just laziness.

Anyways enough of that. I'm here in Orange County and I absolutely love my job. Currently I'm making another prototype to pitch to the company. This prototyping thing is new and a change for me. And I love it.

So once again in my life, job awesome, social life bleg... lol

Been trying to fix myself (again). Let's see... been learning to trim down on my drinking. It's time to grow up now... I think. Trying to remember names when I meet people... reason why my networking skills suck. Working out again to get my health back from all the partying. Also have a bet with a friend to get 6 pack before end of December. Lol. It's not going too well. I DID sign up for a gym so that should help. And I've been trying to go out alone and enjoy myself. Figure it's a good idea since it's just me, myself, and I wherever I move to. Guess it sounds like a loser thing to do but hey, life happens right? I did this in Colorado and you know what... I really really enjoyed it. Hated it at first but man... when you get to a point where you're just so comfortable with yourself to go off alone, that's pure confidence and it feels great. I'm just trying to gain that back because I'm at that similar point. Daniel in a new area again point. So I'll force myself every week to go do something by myself and not just linger in front of this computer all day.

It's that time of the age where everyone's getting married and parents and relatives start asking when you're going to get married. Haha. I've been anti marriage for a long time, but recently, I've seen some hope. Been meeting perfectly happy married people that shine the positive light towards it. Seems like kids are the solution. Lol. The whole dating game is getting old too. You make so many meaningless connections with people, it starts to seem like a waste of time. Told myself, next person that seem worthy, that's it.

Industry. So I've been watching a lot of TV lately and see all these quick fly-by cg shots for ads and shows. Like the NFL logo fly ins, or Syfy's new branding. I look at these now and go, holy shit, I can make this at home! Lol... So I've been trying to start something. Start a new company that does stuff like that with a coworker and a friend of mine. Right now it's all research and development! 3D is getting boring. Need something new (once again... changes) to entertain me. A co worker introduced me to what After Effects can do and wow... I'm hooked! It's so much fun making interesting visuals at a fast pace. It's like photoshop with movements and flashy tools. This is going to help me venture off into the marketing industry, which I really love. Why? The fast pace of it. You don't linger in just one vision. It's fast, beautiful, and on to the next one. Told myself if my own company doesn't get started, The Mill is the place I want to work at. They do some amazing stuff. As of right now, just learning new stuff to become a better cg generalist.

Sugar-coat. So the whole blunt thing isn't a good thing now. I've been trying to learn how to sugar coat things and watch what I say. Guess it's just a old tradition?? Our society has no tolerance for real criticisms now. Everything has to be watered down and sugar coated in the media... no one likes to talk about the elephant in the room. Even for gaming, they don't post your losses anymore. Only your wins. How do you try to better yourself without seeing the negative in life? This isn't just the gaming. It's everything. Been watching the news and it's like, "OMG You hear what he/she said?? I can't believe it, they should get fired". Everyone's at each other's throats for voicing their opinions. Can no one have a mind of their own anymore? Sure you can disagree on something but it doesn't mean you have to viciously go at each other about it. Everyone's a critic at anything now too. Yet doesn't defend the freedom of speech. So much censorship around us because few people are offended by what people say... it's so retarded. ANYWAYS... yeah... I've been learning to shut up more and been trying to sugar coat the blunt-ness. I really hate it but I have to. It's... bleh... lol.

Anyways... I'm freaking(sugarcoat for fucking) tired. I blabbered about nothing and used "I" about a billion times. Nite.

Orange County Here I Come!

Hey folks!

Guess what? I'm employed again! I told myself I was gonna take 3 months off but man, snagged me a nice job! It's a company called A2Z. Amazon owned small game dev company. Can't say much but it's a small team and I love working in small teams.

Anyways, I just applied to the place because they said they have a small team. Also, being owned by Amazon seem like a company that was pretty stable financially.

They got back and sent me an art test. I worked hard on it and sent it back. Got the the round 2 and 3 of interviews, then flew out to OC. God... the place is amazing! Great food, environment and the beach! Met my aunt and 2 friends I have there. Great times. Interviews went great! Or in my opinion it did... lol. Then got a call from them after coming back! They gave me a great offer so I took it. Life is so positive right now. I'm loving it. I feel like my "grunt" stage of my career is complete. Anyways, here are the art test.

BACK! Dominance War!

Alright. Wow, my last post was depressing as shit wasn't it? lol.

Update on my life from then on in a quick way.

I freelanced for a bit. Then Cryptic Studios hired me. Then laid off. Got an offer from Japan for some children show (Which I ended up not taking). Then Heartwood studios hired me. Long ass drive but loved the people I worked with there. THEN the studio ran out of projects. Sad face.

An art director from Netdevil called me. Mr. Peter Grundy. Best boss I've ever had! I went in as the 3D artist for the marketing team. There I did screenshots, up-res the low poly models, renders... LOTS of renders... LEGO Universe, Jumpgate Evolution, and Fortune Online are the games that I worked on. I had a great time with this company while I was there and loved my Creative Service team. AVATAR! =D But now I'm laid off again. Major downsizing at the company.

BUT! I met great people here in Colorado and making the best of it.

Right now it's just relaxing and enjoying the unemployment. Before I'd panic, but boy does it feel good to have people that support you unconditionally. I'm a lucky guy.

I bought a dog. =D His name is Digi. Named him after my screenname digiegg. =P

Cool dog. =)

Back to modeling. I've wanted to take some time out of the professional career to revamp my portflio. I was making this ironman but Dominance War came along so I think I'll compete.

Why not? I have no excuse right?

Here's the Ironman Mark I

This I'll complete later.

I'm sure you guys heard of Dominance War: http://www.dominancewar.com

Here's my working Thread. I'm with team CGSociety.

http://forums.cgsociety.org/showthread.php?f=330&t=965767

Well, That's all folks! Digi and I will return later on!

Facing reality... about to hit rock bottom.

Hey everyone,

Daniel here. There's been alot of thoughts going on my head lately. I've been under alot of stress.

Thoughts tend to come and haunt me as they bring me down into depression.

I'm realizing alot of facts about who I am as an artist. Actually, I'm not even an artist really.

Just a guy who knows how to use couple of programs and putting things together.

Here's the situation. I've been laid off at the current studio, Heartwood Studios. They ran out of projects and basically I'm laid off.

So I've been applying to alot of places. Whatever job there is, I applied.

CG Generalists, 3D Modelers, 3D Character Artists, 3D environment artist...

And so far, nothing.

Recently I went to GDC to interview Valve. The art director there made me realize that I lack originality. That I should be doing my own designs. He kept asking me on every model I did, if it was my own design. No, it wasn't. Everything was heavily based on someone eles' vision.

Even this model here.

Was based on my good friend Marco's vision. So in the end, am I still an artist?

No... just another 3D Modeler. Not a 3D Artist.

I thought this is what 3D Modelers do though... I was told you're supposed to see a 2D picture and be able to make it into 3D. That's not enough now. The boundaries of being a 3D Artist keeps getting pushed further and further.

Looking at the past...

I first attended AAU without any drawing skills. People said you have to know how to draw first.

So I did. I worked hard. I stayed up all night and day getting my drawings to stand out.

I tried so damn hard.

Then I was told I should learn to model humans properly. So I modeled the shit outta the nurbs guy. This was my second try.

Then on I made the female.

Then to a car because they said I should have a hardsurface model.

Then someone told me I need something flashy. So I said okay, what about an Orc?

I make it and not really that big of a reponse from the cg community. But did get a couple freelance and a job at Cryptic Studios.

I made a tank just for fun. To get away from character stuff and my friend told me that I should be making some good hardsurface items. This gets me into Heartwood Studios. They're a military/architectual company.

I keep taking advice from other people and think about what else I have to do...

but there's a lack of SOMETHING here...

Something that all the other great 3D artists have that I lack. 

Is it originality now that I lack?

Could this be the missing element in my portfolio that's hold me back from getting a job?

Or is this just one of the missing elements? What am I doing wrong?

How do I figure this out? 

Sigh... wish there was a guide to this whole thing...

Let's see if I can break this down... (I'm thinking as I go at the moment)

Here is the mission:

"To get a job before my savings runs out and I become homeless"

Problems:

1. I'm laid off and have no source of income.

2. No cushion from my parents since they're on a chokehold. No home to go back to if I hit rock bottom.

3. Figure out elements that are missing from my portfolio and fix it.... FAST.

4. Studios are laying off and alot of experienced people are seeking jobs... which rapes my probablity of landing one.

5. Studios aren't hiring enough. Therefore the pool of applicants are huge.

That's about the jist of it.

Thank God I have a girlfriend who's supporting me through all this walk of life I'm going through.

Otherwise I probably would have drove myself maddddd. o_O

OKAY! SO LET'S THINK POSITIVE.

Solutions I came up with in my head.

1. Go to Korea and see if I can be a rapper. (LOL)

2. Setup a small outsource modeling company with my friends. Making high quality models and selling them online.

3. Finish up my Space Marine and pray to God it grabs me a job.

4. Make couple game characters per 2 weeks. Maybe even a week after I have a base mesh. and just start posting them out and make a new game character reel.

5. Make Environments  and pray to God I get in as a environment artist.

6. Just push through and keep trying to make high quality models... and work at McDonalds or something if money runs short till I can get a job.

So... there you have it...

but for now, I believe I should finish up the character model even though I'll probably get asked, is this your own design? But I have to finish it... I must.

Yeah... different thoughts and solutions keep running around my head. All this runs as I worry about that day when I run completely out of money... how do I keep myself afloat?

Till I figure it out, I'll just keep modeling away.