Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Underestimated and Aggressive.

My parents always told me I'd mount to nothing playing video games...
I said Fuck that, I'm going through with this and committed.
My first art teacher told me I couldn't even draw properly in front of the entire class.
I cried. Then viciously drew night after night to get out as top of the class.
Artists make no money they kept telling me.
Pushed for more and more aggressive finance negotiations risking the jobs that were offered.

My mentor tore me into pieces trying to make me into a professional modeler.
The harsh criticisms and the mental beat downs I bared as a student was something I needed to wake the fuck up and smell reality. I broke down one night because I passed by a bar and saw all the students my age was partying. Crying my eyes out like a wimp while being on the phone with my dad was not what I intended to do. It was pathetic... but much weight was relieved.
My biggest fear was failing my dad. My dad who sat making teeth, day and night, trying to get me through art school. This made me go after success viciously, and people who bashed me, fueled it.

Aggressiveness was necessary to survive the events that was given to me.
It was a requirement to compete with other students.
After it all, you become this... cold... aggressive person. You start seeing people mistakes and give harsh criticisms people aren't used to. You see people slacking off and you do the same thing that was done to you in the past... shut them down negatively in hopes of them getting back up. And I now realize, I'm in my own little island of success with no one to support it.

I made it now. I'm in the industry and am a lucky son of a bitch to be here.
Reaching my dream of working the cg industry should calm me down a bit right? No...
I want more. There's so much more to gain now that I'm here... so naturally I push for things aggressively.
Even with people. But I'm realizing for the first time that this isn't the little pond of students anymore.
You're in this huge eco-system of other professionals that made it here with their own journey.
The higher level of success is the company and the product, not you. To make this happen, you and your co-workers have to work together to reach success that you all want to achieve. There's no "I" in employment. It's all about the product you create and you make that product a success, which will empower your career farther than you can imagine. So being this aggressive and harsh person, you feel so out of place... and sometimes neglected... which makes you feel underestimated, which fuels your aggressiveness...

This has to change and I'm changing it. My co-worker told me, "It's not what you say, it's how you say it" and he's right. I'm a complete team player. I'd rather give all my ideas to my company instead of trying to reach my own success by doing it alone. I want to help it push towards a huge success and have been trying to. But... this aggressiveness I have is blocking me from having people see it my way. And that is my biggest challenge... but as always, I will improve and conquer this road block.